Healthy Boundaries

To protect our physical, mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual health, we need to have healthy boundaries. Boundaries define where we end and another person starts, what we will allow or not allow and how much we will tolerate and what is ours to take responsibility for. 

Relationships can challenge us and cause us to put up certain boundaries. If we have been through childhood trauma or our early childhood experiences made us feel unsafe, we may not know what healthy boundaries look like. If our relationships at school or our adult relationship experiences felt threatening in anyway, this could also make us feel unsafe in relationships. 

If we have been hurt and put up boundaries to protect ourselves, we can end up putting too rigid boundaries in place, which causes us to not let any good in and not let the bad out. We shut ourselves off and don't allow others too close for fear of getting hurt again. 

When our boundaries are too diffuse, we let too much in and we can lose our sense of identity and be overwhelmed by giving in to the demands of others. We find it hard to say no and are often prone to be taken advantage of or abused. This type of boundary is often seen in those who are pleasers as a result of childhood abuse, where pleasing a caregiver was essential to the child's safety.

Often when we decide we have had enough of having a diffuse boundary, we can decide to put up a rigid boundary. This may be acceptable for a period of time so that we can heal and learn how to enforce healthy boundaries. However, we shouldn't keep others locked out in this way out of anger or to punish them for an extended period of time. 

We need safe and trustworthy "others" to help us heal and we need to remember that not all relationships are unsafe and untrustworthy. A clear boundary can develop out of healing from diffuse or rigid boundaries. This type of boundary acts as a sieve and will allow through what is good and keep out what is bad. 

Once we can define what we need and what we will allow and take responsibility for, we can start laying down better boundaries to protect ourselves in a healthy way. Being able to say no and having others accept our no and understand our needs are essential in a healthy relationship. We need to have respect for each other and not respond out of our own self-preservation or unhealthy boundaries.

 Identify what type of boundary you may have and work at putting healthy boundaries in place if you recognise that yours are not well defined. 

Being able to communicate to others what you need in a relationship is part of enforcing boundaries in a healthy way. 

In our marriages and interpersonal and parental relationships, we also need a template for healthy boundaries. 

Boundaries is a godly concept. God defined the limits for creation; He defined the requirements for a relationship with Him. He allows us access to Him and to His Kingdom and it is His Word that defines this for us. He communicated it through His Word. He is a relational God and relationships were never meant to hurt us but to be life-giving sources and to be an expression of His love for us.