Settle Before You Wrestle
You can't sort out the hard stuff while your body is in panic mode.
Have you ever tried to reason with a toddler in the middle of a meltdown? You explain. You bargain. You offer a biscuit. Nothing works. I have seen this with our grandchildren. It is not that the child doesn't understand you. It is that they can't hear you right now.
So what do you do? You pick them up. You hold them. You wait until the crying slows down. And only then do you say, "Now, tell me what happened." Or whatever version of this you have encountered as a parent, grandparent or caregiver. Often times we don't understand this with children, and if we do, we forget it with ourselves.
The ministry session that made it worse
Let me tell you about a woman I'll call Ruth. She is a representative of those I have ministered to and counselled many times.
Ruth finally plucked up the courage to ask for prayer about something she had carried for years. The lady praying with her meant well. Within minutes she was asking, "When did this start? What happened when you were little? Who do you need to forgive?"
Ruth's heart was pounding. Her hands were shaking. She nodded along and said yes to everything. Then she went home feeling worse, and now she also felt like she had failed at getting healed.
Nobody did anything wrong on purpose. But they skipped a step. They went straight to the wrestling with the issues that Ruth was struggling with, but Ruth was not settled enough to wrestle. And this is a mistake that I believe we all have made in ministry or counselling, including myself before I understood this.
My interest in the body and nervous system when it comes to trauma, was heightened when I sat with my own frustruations around why some individuals struggle more than others to find the healing they so deserately seek. It took time for me to work on this and realise that no amount of wrestling with an issue will be resolved if the person is not settled and in a calm state.
Your body has an alarm
God built an alarm system into your body to keep you safe. When it senses danger, it takes over. Your heart races. Your breathing gets fast and shallow. Or sometimes you go the other way and feel numb and far away.
Here is the important part. When that alarm is ringing, the part of your brain that thinks things through goes quiet. You can't reflect. You can't make sense of things. Sometimes you can't even find the words.
You know this already. Have you ever had an argument and only thought of the perfect thing to say an hour later? That is your thinking brain coming back once the alarm has switched off.
So when we try to deal with deep pain while our alarm is ringing, we just go round in circles. We relive it, but we don't resolve it.
Nothing gets through
There is a verse in Exodus that says this so well. Moses brought the people the best news they could ever hear: God was going to set them free. And this is what happened.
"So Moses spoke thus to the children of Israel; but they did not heed Moses, because of anguish of spirit and cruel bondage." Exodus 6:9
The message was true. It came from God. And it still didn't get through, because the people were crushed and worn out. That is what a stressed body does. It blocks even good news.
This is why so much good counselling, prayer ministry and pastoral care falls flat. The words are right. The timing is wrong.
God settles first
Once I saw this, I started noticing it all through the Bible.
When Elijah ran for his life and asked God to let him die, God did not give him a talking to. He gave him a nap and something to eat. Then another nap and something else to eat. Only later did God ask, "What are you doing here, Elijah?"
When the disciples were terrified in the storm, Jesus calmed the wind and the waves first. Then He asked them, "Why are you so fearful?" He didn't have the conversation in the middle of the storm.
And in Psalm 23, the Shepherd makes us lie down by still waters and restores our soul before He leads us on the path. Rest first. Then the road.
Calm yourself before you calm others
Have you ever walked into a room where someone was tense, and within five minutes you felt tense too? We pick up on each other. A calm person helps others calm down. A stressed person spreads stress.
It is like the safety talk on an aeroplane. Put your own oxygen mask on before you help someone else. If you go into a hard conversation with your own alarm ringing, the other person will feel it before you say a word.
So before you try to settle your child, your marriage or your situation, settle yourself.
How to settle
Settling is also called grounding and it starts with the body, because that is where the alarm lives. When we learn to settle we become grounded in the present. Here are a few simple things that help:
Breathe out slowly. Make your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Do it three times.
Look around. Name five things you can see. It reminds your body that right now, you are okay.
Feel your feet. Press them into the floor and let the chair hold you.
Hum or sing softly. Worship has always calmed God's people.
Pray one line. "Lord, settle me, I'm here." Breathe it in and out.
Then you can wrestle
Settling is not the same as avoiding. It is getting ready. Once you are calm, you can face the hard thing, a little at a time. If you start to feel flooded again, stop, settle, and come back to it later.
And if you find you can't settle at all, and the alarm is ringing most days, please talk to a trained counsellor or someone who knows how to settle the body. This is a kindness you show yourself so you are able to cope with the rest. Learn how to do this before you need it so that when you need it, it comes naturally.
"Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Notice that rest is the first thing Jesus offers. So this week, before you wrestle with anything, settle first.
Something to think about
What is one thing you have been trying to sort out while your alarm was ringing? What would it look like to settle first
Be blessed today in the mighty name of Yeshua!
Visit our free resources for a dowloadable PDF with additional grounding practices https://www.lionsarise.org/_files/ugd/029c30_45828f1025844ad9a102c3f7da3de9b6.pdf
Visit our online programs for our Somatic Release program which will help you become more self aware when it comes to bodily cues and support your journey settling. It includes a dowloadable journal and a dowloadable workbook with worksheets. It also includes simple regulation tools https://www.lionsarise.org/challenge-page/somaticreleasecourse?programId=68c14d8b-8e36-42f0-9f13-2a0579a6f660
For an expanded discussion on this important topic, keep an eye out for my Take Up Your Space Podcast "Settle before you Wrestle", coming out this week.
