What Do We Do When Things Get Tough?

We all know that we often bring our past into our marriage. Our experiences in our family home, our experiences throughout development into adulthood as well as our thinking patterns and coping mechanisms. 

Self-preservation is a natural instinct. Our coping mechanisms are linked to behaviours that keep us "safe". However as we know by now, some coping mechanisms are not healthy, so what we think is "safe" is not always the truth. Unhealthy coping mechanisms often compound the problem by causing us not to face what is really going on. 

We often "exit" the relationship in order to create safety. What happens?

We experience tension in the marriage - it elicits an emotional response - anxiety, anger, fear etc. - leads to an action. This is linked to our cognitive working model which looks like this:

An event (experience) = thought = an emotion = an action. Often if we have started to explore and identify distorted thought patterns, we can stop it there before it becomes an emotional response that could be destructive. 

Think of 2 Corinthians 10v5 - this is the process. "Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ". It would seem the word of God shares the revelation already of our cognitive working model before psychology did - giving us the tool to prevent destructive actions.

We exit in various ways - taking energy out of the relationship to get away from the tension, to feel "safe". Some exits we explain away - it's work, it's the kids, it's my hobby etc. These are all justifiable on their own. Having downtime or doing exercise or being creative is all good for us, releases feel good hormones. But if we are using this to get away from our spouse or relationships with others, and we are excessively involved in those activities, it becomes an unhealthy coping mechanism.

Catastrophic exits are self-explanatory. They make us feel good for a time but never for long and we can get into a cycle of these behaviours to help us feel better. In the end it leads to destruction and leads to us feeling worse about ourselves and our situation. 

I have found often with couples counselling that marriage breakdown is often the result of poor communication and lack of understanding concerning how each processes information and experiences. This is often determined by the lens through which they view life based on their past. 

Communication is key in marriage and relationships in general. Communicating our boundaries, our feelings, and our thoughts and having the courage to address areas of tension and find solutions instead of exiting. When there is abuse, there is even more reason to take action. God has put creativity inside each one of us to help us solve problems, but we were never meant to do it alone. 

Let us take note of how we respond in our relationships when it gets tough and ask God to help us get back to safety in Him. He is the God of peace (Psalm 91v1-2). Let Him help you to highlight the areas that need to come back into alignment with God's design.

Speak blessing on your marriage and relationships. Speak what you want to see happen as if it already has if restoration and healing are needed. 

Bless you today in the mighty name of Yeshua!